When Mother’s Day is Hard

Mothers are amazing. And they deserve to be celebrated. But when you’re dealing with infertility or loss, when you’re longing to be a mama but that dream feels like it just keeps slipping through your fingers, Mother’s Day can be hard. If you’re dreading this holiday too, you’re not alone. I see you and I feel your pain. 

Mother’s Day has been hard for me for years. That’s because I’ve wanted to have children for as long as I can remember, but for the first 10 years of my marriage, my chronic health condition made that impossible. When my health finally improved to the point where we felt ready to make my dream a reality, infertility became a part of our story and it took almost 2 years for me to get pregnant with what felt like our miracle baby. But at 10 weeks we learned there was no longer a heartbeat. We were crushed. 

As I’ve tried to heal my heart and decide our next steps, I know one thing is for sure. I can no longer let infertility, grief, and trying to get pregnant consume my life like I feel it has the past few years. I have made the difficult decision not to pursue IVF; my body has been through too much medical trauma and I just don’t have it in me to put it through any more. Some people may not understand this decision but it feels right for me.

As we step into May and approach Mother’s Day, I have a lot of big feelings and know a number of you out there do too. So I wanted to talk about how I’m getting through it and some things that are helping me.

Honor your grief

First and foremost, if you’re dealing with grief this year, whether from a loss or infertility or the inability to have children due to your health, please be gentle with yourself and do what you need to do to take care of you. Let yourself feel your feelings. That’s the only way to truly get through it. Like they say, the only way out is through. 

For me, seeing my sister-in-laws with their children on Mother’s Day just feels too hard this year after my loss because all I can think about is how I should be celebrating with a 3-month-old, so we’re skipping the family get-together and Adam is taking me on a little weekend getaway instead. It really is okay to say no to something you know will trigger you. If you need to do the same this year, please give yourself permission. Take care of your heart.

Recognize that grief and joy can coexist

I think it can be easy for those of us who tend to be perfectionists or who struggle with depression to use black and white thinking. We see things as either good or bad. Mother’s Day is either a day to celebrate or a day to hate. But it doesn’t have to be that way. 

I’ve learned over the years that my heart can hold more than one emotion at the same time. It’s really quite amazing; I can carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other. And what this means for Mother’s Day is that I can honor my grief; I can feel my heavy feelings and I can also be grateful for all that is good in my life, at the same time. 

And I’ve really been trying to lean into and embrace all the goodness that comes with being childfree lately. Slow mornings, walks with the dogs whenever I want, lots of fun date nights and late night dance parties in the kitchen, relaxing hot tub time with Adam, the ability to live slowly and mindfully and really take care of my body. There is goodness and joy to be found here in this childfree life I didn’t ask for. 

Celebrate you

I think it’s important to celebrate and recognize that although some of us may not have biological children, we all still mother, love, nurture, guide, and take care of something or someone in some capacity. 

I have a childless friend who pours her heart into guiding young girls in her church youth group and another who coaches high school lacrosse players. I think those are beautiful things that deserve to be celebrated. 

And I take care of, nurture, and love my dogs and my husband the way I would if I had a child. We can still use those instincts we were given to mother the world even without children of our own. That’s a special thing. And we can still celebrate that. 

But you know what? Mothering is not the only thing that deserves to be celebrated. Yes, it is a wonderful thing, but it’s not the only thing. I don’t know why our culture seems to send the message that if we’re not fulfilling the role of Mama, we’re somehow “less-than.” Let’s get that idea out of our heads. Mother or not, we are still just as worthy, and just as deserving of celebration and love. 

Find community and people who get it

I think one of the hardest things about going through infertility or childlessness is that it can be lonely and isolating. One by one we watch as family and friends have children and their lives move in a different direction than ours. It doesn’t necessarily mean we can’t still be friends with these people but it can change our relationships sometimes. 

I, personally, have found a lot of support in the childfree and infertility communities online. It’s been nice to connect with others who understand the struggle and grief of wanting to have a child but not being able to. I’ve met other women at different stages in their journeys, some still holding onto hope for a child, and others really learning how to lean into and embrace their childfree after infertility life. There are downsides to social media but it can also offer a lot of support and that’s what I’ve found in the childfree communities on apps like Instagram.

If you’re struggling with Mother’s Day coming up and are looking to connect with other women who get it, I’d like to invite you to a free Zoom event, Redefining May: A Gathering of Strength & Story, with me and 3 other amazing women who are childfree by chance and living their best lives. It’s going to be an opportunity for us to connect, reflect, and hold space for each other, as we redefine what May means for us. You can just listen or ask questions if you’d like. You don’t have to navigate this season alone. Sign up here!

If Mother’s Day is hard for you this year, please know you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself, honor your grief, and know there are lots of other women out there who feel your pain. We’re in this together.