To the one who is healing:
Remember that healing is a process. And as a wise friend recently reminded me, it is a process that is not linear.
Some days you will make great progress. Other days you will stumble and fall back down. Two steps forward, one step back. It can feel like a dance with uncertainty.
Take it day by day, hour by hour. Learn to let go of your expectations. Your healing journey may not look anything like you imagined it would.
Trust that things are still working themselves out in beautiful ways.
When nothing seems to make sense, you can still hold onto hope. Let your hope be the beacon of light that shines in the dark places.
Because there will be dark and stormy days on this journey. But remember that rain is necessary for new growth. And with each passing day, you are growing.
I heard it said before, “healing is a journey lined with endless grace.” Give yourself grace with each new day. Endless, boundless grace.
This is the one thing I know to be true. We must continually give ourselves grace to really heal.
Hold onto these three things–grace, hope, trust–weave them into your healing journey. And let them be the lights that lead you home.
I wrote this last week and posted it on Instagram. I wrote it mostly for myself, because as I type this, I’m healing from a major surgery. And healing can be a difficult process. But I knew that there were others out there also healing from all kinds of things so I decided to share it. If you’re healing too, I hope it brings you comfort.
I know I’ve neglected this blog over the past few months. So I wanted to give you a little update on where I’ve been and where I am now.
An update
You may remember that I had a lumbar fusion surgery in March of 2020. It was a major surgery but I was really hopeful that it would be the cure for my years of back pain. I was told it could take up to a year for my pain to really get better. Unfortunately for me, it never got better. My low back pain remained and eventually got worse as time went on. I kept going back to the surgeon and asking why this was happening. He didn’t have many answers for me. So I decided to get a second opinion.
Going into my appointment for the second opinion, I never expected what I was about to hear. The doctor looked at my new MRI and told me that my surgery had failed. My bones never fused together like they’re supposed to a year after this surgery. The solution? He would have to do another surgery to correct whatever went wrong. And this operation would be even more invasive than the last.
Another surgery? I cried when I got back in the car. I just spent the past year recovering from the last surgery. I thought this was the one that was supposed to fix me. How could this be happening? I didn’t want it to be true, so I scheduled a third opinion. And the third doctor just confirmed what the last doctor told me, that my bones had not fused together and the procedure had failed. Their recommendation was also another surgery.
So, as much as I didn’t want to undergo another surgery–and another year of healing–I scheduled the operation. I couldn’t believe I needed another back surgery–my fifth one–but I know this is par for the course with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. And I felt like I had no other choice. I didn’t want to keep living with this horrible pain. And the surgeon said he was confident he could fix things and was extremely hopeful that this would be the end of my years of back problems.
So a little over two weeks ago, I went in for the fusion revision surgery. I was extremely nervous. I’d been through so many surgeries before, it should’ve been no big deal, but I knew this would be the most invasive one yet. They would have to cut me wide open, take out the old rods and screws in my back, and replace them with new ones. I dreaded waking up from surgery because I could only imagine the pain that was in store for me.
Hope for the future
I’m really happy to say now that this surgery has actually been much better than I expected. The surgeon and his team have done everything possible to control my pain and it’s worked well. It certainly hasn’t been an easy recovery, but I feel like I’m making good progress. It hasn’t even been three weeks and I’m already taking walks in the park. And when I woke up from the procedure, my doctor explained that when he got in there, it only confirmed how much I needed this surgery. He said my two bones were grinding against each other, which was the cause of my pain. He also said that the rods and screws needed to be replaced badly.
So all in all, I’m really glad that I went through with the surgery. Yes, it’s going to be another long road to recovery. I’m going to be taking things very slow for a long time as I heal. But I am so hopeful that this will be the end of my back problems and we can close this chapter of my life for good.
Hope is a powerful thing. And I’m more hopeful than I’ve been in a long time. I spent the last few months mostly in bed, because that was the most comfortable position for my back. But that contributed to a lot of depression. I didn’t know why I was still hurting so badly and had little hope that I was going to get better. Feeling so depressed was one of the main reasons I hadn’t been writing much in the past few months.
But here I am, back at it, with a renewed hope in my heart. I hope to be able to keep the blog updated and share more words with you soon. If you’d like to follow my journey closer, I’ve been much more active these past few months on my Instagram, where I write and share my thoughts a few times a week. It’s kind of like a mini-blog. I’d love for you to follow me there too. I know this healing journey will be a process, but I’m so happy to be writing again and really thankful to have you along for the ride.