I remember exactly where I was when my headache first started. Sitting in my afternoon AP European History class my sophomore year of highschool. I can remember the exact seat, even the girl that sat next to me. Every day a dull ache would spread across my forehead until it circled my entire head. The pain continued to get worse as the day went on. I counted down the minutes until I could go home and get in bed. I don’t think a lot of other kids were counting the minutes until they could get in bed. But it was the only thing that would relieve my pain. Laying flat and falling asleep for about two hours would ease the pain so I could get started on all of my homework.
Before this awful headache started, I was a really active kid and played sports year-round. In highschool I ran 6 miles every day in the summer, in preparation for field hockey season, and played lacrosse in the spring. I had a lot of friends and was even nominated to the homecoming court my sophomore year. Every year I got straight A’s and always put a ton of effort into my school assignments. I had a really sweet boyfriend who adored me. Things were good.
I know that I was quite the perfectionist in high school and wonder now if the pressure I put on myself had anything to do with my headaches. When they became daily, my mom took me to my pediatrician and she referred me to a neurologist.
I had scans done which came back normal and I was told to try “the migraine diet”, which basically consists of removing a bunch of yummy things from your diet. I remember walking up and down the aisles of Whole Foods with my best friend wanting to cry because I wasn’t supposed to eat cheese anymore. I LOVE cheese. Seriously. No chocolate either. This didn’t seem fair. But I was willing to try anything to get these headaches to go away.
The diet didn’t work and the neurologist ended up telling me, “well we just don’t know what causes migraines sometimes.” My mom managed to get me in with one of the top pediatric neurologists on the East Coast next. Unfortunately he didn’t have much more to offer other than a diagnosis of Chronic Daily Headaches. Thanks, but I already knew that.
By the time summer came to an end and junior year drew near, my headache had become constant. I woke up with it and although it wasn’t as bad in the morning, it was still there. The pain just increased as the day went on. Every morning I dreaded getting out of bed because I knew the pain would just get worse and worse.
Falling apart
Enter my first nervous break down. I didn’t know how to deal with these headaches and the impact they were having on my life. I was constantly turning down plans with friends over the summer because I felt so bad.
Junior year started and I remember my headache getting so bad in the afternoon I could hardly see straight. I came home and tried my usual two hour nap routine but my workload was so heavy that year that I couldn’t get it all done in time. This was not okay in my perfectionist brain.
I also didn’t try out for field hockey that year and when everyone asked why, I didn’t quite know what to say. I tried to explain the headaches but people didn’t really get it. A lot of my friends just looked confused when I tried to explain. None of this was okay.
I remember a couple of nights into my junior year, I was trying to do my AP Government homework with a throbbing head and tears started to soak my textbook because of the pain. I couldn’t focus at all. I snuck outside and sat by the pool with my head in my hands. My mom came out a little while later and I told her “I don’t know how I can keep doing this. My head hurts so bad, I can’t focus. All I want to do is get in bed. How am I going to keep up?”
I ended up not going to school but instead having a home tutor that semester while going to tons of doctors appointments just trying to figure out what was wrong with me. There were multiple trips to the ER when the pain got so bad I couldn’t stand it, spinal taps with 3 inch needles being stuck in my back, and more tests.
I became really depressed. None of the doctors were able to help and some only made it worse by suggesting that depression was causing my headaches. I tried to explain that it was the other way around, I had never been depressed before; I was a happy active teenager, but these daily headaches were robbing me of my life and that was making me depressed. I had to stop doing everything I loved, my friends didn’t understand what was wrong with me, I felt like my life had been completely turned upside down and no one was helping me.
We tried everything from traditional medical treatments, which included so many different medications; to biofeedback, to acupuncture, even hypnotherapy. I remember taking 14 pills a day at one point. You read that right. 14. I would hide my hands when I was around people because I was so embarrassed by how badly they would shake, one of the side effects of the medication.
Nothing worked. The headaches continued to get worse. I eventually became so depressed that I didn’t want to live anymore. I know this might sound extreme. But when you’re 16 years old and chronic pain is robbing you of everything you love, life can get pretty dark.
I was really lucky that my parents got me into counseling and my therapist helped me work through everything. My boyfriend also stuck by me and I had a small handful of friends who still came to visit me when everyone else thought I had fallen off the face of the planet and pretty much wrote me off. A family friend had also committed suicide the year before and I saw the devastation that it caused his family. I just knew I couldn’t do that to mine. This is what saved me.
Learning to cope
I somehow learned how to cope with my pain and my new life. It wasn’t easy but I went back to school the following semester. Maybe I couldn’t play sports anymore but I had always loved art and I started painting and getting into photography.
My mom worked at an elementary school and she suggested that I volunteer in the special education class to give me something to do. I fell in love with those kids. I started volunteering there multiple days a week and it seemed to give me a purpose. When I was with the kids, I forgot about my pain. And these children inspired me to keep going no matter what life threw in my way. Some of them were profoundly disabled but they still smiled and lived their lives to the fullest.
I managed to graduate from high school at the top of my class and even got a scholarship to a few colleges. Because of my health I decided to stay close to home but started college that fall. Most of my peers didn’t know what they wanted to do with their lives but I was 100% certain. I knew I wanted to work with the special-needs population. I wanted to help these amazing individuals live their best lives despite their circumstances. Because that’s what the kids in the special ed class I volunteered in did every day. And those kids also saved me. I had to somehow find a way to pay it forward.
**If you or someone you know is suicidal, please reach out for help. You will not feel this way forever. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things can and will get better. They did for me. The past 16 years haven’t been easy, but I’m forever grateful that I stayed on this earth because I’ve had some of the most wonderful experiences in the years following my breakdown. The world needs you to stay here too.
If you need someone to talk to, please fill out the Contact Me form or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
Please note that I am not a mental health professional, just someone who has personal experience in this area. Please seek professional help if you are feeling suicidal. You can find other suicide prevention resources here.