I turned 34 over the weekend. But this year I wasn’t much in the mood to celebrate. Instead I just kept hearing this loud voice in my head that has been shouting at me since I probably turned about 30.
“You’re running out of time!” Thats what this annoying, pushy voice likes to remind me every year around my birthday lately. And I know it’s true. I am running out of time. If I want to be a mama, to have a child of my own, I know that time is not quite on my side anymore.
It’s not like this pressure to have children just appeared yesterday though. Since probably a year into my marriage, people started making comments about when we were going to have children.
We’ve been married for 9 years now. And what boggles my mind these days, is that people STILL think it’s okay to keep asking that question. In fact we’ve been asked that very question not one, but two times in the last month.
Maybe I’m crazy, but I just thought that by now if we still don’t have children, that maybe, just maybe, people would realize that there’s a reason for it, and stop asking. Because there is a reason. And it’s a reason that makes me so emotional that I can’t really get into it with most people without tearing up.
I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was young. But my body has had other plans. Since I’ve been married, each year has come and gone, never seeming like the right time to have a child, because of my health. I’ve had 7 surgeries since I’ve been married. Every year something new has just seemed to go wrong with my body.
And now, coming up on a year after my most major surgery, the question of whether or not I can be the mother that a child deserves, seems to haunt me every day.
I want to have a child so badly. And I want more than anything to be able to give my husband the children that he deserves to have. But with the pain and fatigue that I’m still dealing with each day, I wonder if I’m up for the job. How can I care for a child when each day without one is such a struggle?
This is what I’ve wrestled with for years. And this is what I want to tell people when they ask the gut-wrenching question, “so when are you going to have kids?” but most days I just can’t seem to find the words or the energy to try to explain. And I’m not sure that most people would even understand, unless they lived a day in my body and saw what a struggle it is just to get out of bed most days.
Then there’s another factor I have to consider if I want to have a child of my own. Because it’s a genetic disorder, there’s a 50% chance that I could pass my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome down to my child. The thought of having to watch my child suffer with the same pain that I’ve had to is enough to make me consider never having biological children. But I want a child of my own so badly. A child that is part me and part my husband. Does that make me selfish? I don’t know. It’s a lot to consider and a big decision to make.
It’s not easy to be a married woman without children. As my friend Mindy so eloquently puts it,
“The cultural pressure to have kids when you’re a childless, married woman sometimes feels like a hundred-pound squat rack resting on the soft flesh of my shoulders.”
Mindy Larsen
Why is it that our culture seems to send the message that we as married women are somehow “less-than” if we’re not currently fulfilling the role of mama? I’ve certainly felt this judgement, and at times believed the lie that my role in this world somehow isn’t as important as my peers who are mothers.
What I want you to know, if you’re struggling with being a childless woman, is that you are worthy and significant whether you have a child or not. Whether it is by choice, or circumstances beyond your control, it’s okay to not be a mother. It is more than okay. Your role in this world is important and you matter just as much as the woman who has a toddler running around at her feet.
As far as my future is concerned, I don’t know if I will ever be a mother or not. I don’t know if there are babies in my future, or just the furry kind, with four legs and a tail. But whatever happens, I will keep believing that my role in this world matters, with or without children. And I want you to know that yours does too. Mother or not, we all have something so beautiful to contribute to this world.
Sam, what courage and beauty is present in these words! Thank you for giving a voice to a something kept so tightly in a woman’s heart that it risks never surfacing to find the light. When you share your struggle, I hear mine. When you find the truth that soothes, I am soothed. “….you are worthy and significant whether you have a child or not.” Truth for my heart today.
Amanda, thank you so much for your kind words. I’m glad this piece resonated with you today. Hugs ❤️
I enjoyed your post. I’m not in your shoes; so I can not speak from experience. But I have witnessed many friends and family members struggle with the same questions. It always breaks my heart. Thank you for sharing a challenging topic. I shared it with my Facebook community.
Thank you so much for reading and for sharing with your community!
THIS!!!!! Soooo much THIS!!!! Love it Sam!!! I have experienced this so much and it never stops being painful. Even though my husband and I are perfectly happy with only having fluffy children, there is always a part of me that feels guilty for not being able to have (human) children. We have had to accept that this is God’s will for us and our story doesn’t look like everyone else’s. Still, having to answer the question of why all the time not only makes me tap in to that guilt that I’ve tried to overcome, but it makes us have to relive the reasons why we can’t conceive in the first place. I have so much admiration for people who don’t have kids, whether it’s because they have had to accept the fact that it wasn’t God’s will for their lives or if they just knew it wasn’t for them. I don’t mean that as a knock to those who have children, obviously, just that us without kids have a strength that not many understand. Most of us have a pain that not many understand as well. Regardless of how your story goes, always know that you are loved and you are not alone!! Thank you so much for sharing!!
I hate that you’ve had to experience this too. But you have an amazing perspective! So glad you enjoyed reading this and thank you for sharing your thoughts. Hugs ❤️
I hope you know that wether you have a child or not you are deeply loved by your husband & your family. We understand the health issues that plague your body & in turn your thoughts. You are a selfless loving person who deserves anything she desires. The proof is in your blog where you try to help others understand they are not the only one. You are special with or without a child. Much love😘❤️
I am so, so lucky to have such an amazing, supportive husband and family. Thank you so much for always making me feel loved 🥰
Thank you for writing this! I am 34, as well, and have been married 12 years. We constantly still get asked. And, we still don’t know what the future holds. We’ve waited for numerous reasons, and are still seeking the Lord on this. I am grateful for women speaking up & speaking Truth that we matter, even if we aren’t mothers. Thank you!
It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this struggle. It’s my hope that the Lord would give us both clarity and peace surrounding this. Thanks for reading and sharing part of your story!
Thank you for sharing your story! This is such a powerful message. I’m sure others will appreciate your bravery just by telling your story.
Thank you so much!