Marriage and relationships can be hard. Throw a chronic illness in the mix, and they can be even harder. I love being married though. And there’s no one else I’d rather have by my side than my husband. I got really lucky when he asked me to marry him.
But it’s been more than just luck that’s made our marriage work. Any marriage takes work and sacrifice, but a marriage in which one of the partners is chronically ill can take extra work. Statistics report that divorce rates for couples with a chronically ill spouse are as high as 75%.
That’s an eye-opening statistic. And I don’t share it to scare any of my chronically ill readers. I bring it up to remind those of us with a chronic illness that it’s something to be mindful of in our relationships. It makes communication in a relationship that much more important.
It’s also one of the reasons that I’ve written this post. To help those of you who love someone with a chronic illness understand what we go through a little better, so that you can better support the person that you love.
I’ve also included an interview with my husband to get his perspective on being in a relationship with a chronically ill spouse. I think it’s important to get some perspective from the person on the other side of the relationship.
It’s estimated that over 100 million Americans live with a chronic condition or chronic pain. And for every one of those people, there’s someone out there who loves them. So what are some of the most important things to know if you love someone with a chronic condition or chronic pain?
Living with a chronic illness is unpredictable.
Some days we may feel better than others, and some days may be really hard. We never know how we’re going to feel on any given day. Sometimes we know why we feel worse and some days it’s a total mystery. Being flexible with us is so important.
Chronic pain and illness affects how much energy we have.
It takes a lot of energy to be in pain all the time. That’s why so many people with a chronic illness struggle with fatigue. Doing normal things takes more out of us than it does for a healthy person. We may need time to recover after a trip or outing. This can be really frustrating for a person with a chronic illness. Try to be as patient with us as you can.
We constantly feel guilty.
Even though we know our illness is not our fault, we still feel this way. There are so many reasons why we feel guilty. From my lack of energy, making it hard to complete housework or go out and do things together sometimes, to not being able to work and bring in an income, there are a hundred reasons that my illness makes me feel guilty.
Feeling guilty is a completely normal part of having a chronic illness. Try to acknowledge your partner’s feelings and if they’re feeling guilty over all the things they can’t do, try to help them focus on what they can do. Let them know how much you value them and remind them that they are not a burden.
It can be incredibly frustrating how much our illness affects our lives.
My illness affects so many aspects of my life. It holds me back from being the person I really want to be and this can be so frustrating. I want to be a mother and have a job that makes me feel like I’m contributing to society. I want to be able to travel without worrying how bad I’ll feel. I want to be a better wife that keeps the house clean and makes dinner every night. I want to be able to go out and have fun together every weekend instead of having to stay in bed.
My pain and fatigue often hold me back from these things and it can be really hard to accept and live with these realities. Try to understand the emotional toll that chronic illness can have on your partner’s life.
Keeping these things in mind can help you to better understand and support your partner as they navigate life with a chronic condition. I encourage you to communicate with them often and perhaps ask them what they wish you knew about what it’s like to live with a chronic illness or pain.
The other side of the relationship
Chronic illness doesn’t just affect the person with the condition. It’s also important that those living with a chronic illness try to understand how it can impact their significant other. That’s why I’ve decided to interview my husband. Below are some questions that might also be helpful for you to ask your significant other to better understand the impact your chronic illness can have on them.
How has my illness affected you and our marriage?
It’s given me a different perspective on life. We don’t have things as easy as some people might in their relationships. It’s made me more appreciative of the little things that we share together. It’s also made me a more compassionate person and has softened my heart. I didn’t use to be as understanding as I am now. So in that way, it’s made me a better person.
What is the hardest part of living with me and my chronic illness?
Not being able to just get up and go when I want to do things together. We can’t be very spontaneous. Also learning to accept setbacks.
What can I do to make it easier?
Do your best to take care of yourself and do what’s best for your health. I get frustrated when you eat gluten, for example, because I know it’s going to make you feel bad.
Which of my symptoms affects you the most?
Your chronic pain. It keeps us from doing things that I wish we could do sometimes. It’s also hard to watch you suffer.
What advice do you have for couples in a relationship in which one person has a chronic illness?
Expect that your life is going to be different than other people’s might be. Chronic illness changes things. You have to learn to be understanding and adjust your expectations.
Having this conversation with my husband was actually really beneficial to me. I realized that I’ve never actually asked him some of these things. I highly recommend that you sit down and ask your partner some of these questions if you live with a chronic condition. These are the kinds of conversations that we need to have.
You can have a happy and healthy relationship even when one partner has a chronic illness. It is absolutely possible. Your life and relationship may look different than other people’s, but it can still be a good life and you can still have a strong relationship. With good communication and lots of understanding, you can make the most of a relationship in which one partner has a chronic condition.
Samantha, You and Adam are a strong couple and together with God you can handle anything. I’m so proud to call you my niece. Keep the conversations going and may God bless you both.
Aunt Debbie