Have you ever felt like you’re behind in life? Like you haven’t accomplished all that you should have by now? I’ve been feeling that way a lot in the past few months and have really been wondering if I’m making the most of my life.
I look at most of my peers from high school and the majority of them already have at least two children. I, on the other hand, am just now at the point where I feel ready to have my first child, and even that still scares me. I have so many doubts and fears swirling around in my head when it comes to having children. Will I be a good mother with the chronic pain and fatigue I still battle everyday? Do we really even have the money to support a child? Are we ready to change our family dynamic in such a huge way?
I also see so many of my friends buying and posting pictures of their nice, big “forever homes.” And here I am, after 8 years, still living in a small cape cod in a neighborhood we certainly don’t want to spend forever in. I still have one tiny bathroom and a walk-in closet remains something that exists only in my dreams. We renovated our house a few years ago with the goal to sell it, but we’re still here and I sometimes wonder if that will really ever change.
I promise I’m not telling you this to complain about my life or make you feel sorry for me. I know I’ve been blessed with a wonderful life and I really am so thankful for all that I have. But sometimes I can’t shake that feeling of being “behind” in life. And those are some of the reasons why.
A perspective shift
So what can we do when we start to feel like this? What’s the solution when comparison and discontentment threaten to steal our happiness? For me, a perspective shift was really what my heart and soul needed, and God provided that perspective shift very recently.
Over a year ago, I signed up for a mentorship program for folks with chronic illness. I honestly forgot that I volunteered for it until I received a message last week from a woman asking if I was available to mentor her. I said yes and we spent some time getting to know each other. I quickly discovered that this woman was in a pretty dark place and was really struggling with her condition.
While I wish this wasn’t the case for her, embarking on this mentorship and learning more about her has provided a much needed perspective shift for me. It has reminded me of where I’ve been in the past, on my own journey with chronic pain and illness. And most importantly, it’s reminded me of just how far I’ve come.
Looking back
I think back about the years spent desperate to know what was wrong with my body, in so much pain but clueless as to why. I think about the years I spent going from doctor to doctor, praying that someone could help me. I remember the doctors who told me it was all in my head—that my symptoms were psychological—doctors who made me feel like I was going crazy. I remember leaving every appointment in tears, heartbroken from getting my hopes up that the doctor I just saw would be the one to finally help me. I think back to the days when I was so depressed and in such a pit of despair that I didn’t want to live anymore. Days when I had no hope left in my heart to keep going.
But I did keep going. And I eventually found doctors who really listened to me. I was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and then a cerebrospinal fluid leak. Suddenly the pieces all started to fall into place. After so many years I finally understood what was happening in my body. And this made all the difference in the world.
Brighter Days
Next month will mark one year since my last spine surgery. I now have little to no pain in my back. I’m able to take both of my dogs for a walk, exercise on my bike, do yoga again.
I’m working as a freelance writer now, making my own schedule, doing what I love, all from the comfort of home. My words have been published both in magazines and online. My story has been shared in so many places and I’ve received so much encouragement from people who have read it. I’m proud of myself these days.
I’ve made so many friends in the chronic illness community and have so much support and lots of people to reach out to if I need them. But more importantly, I’ve been able to provide that support to others. I’ve helped so many other people who are struggling; my story has provided hope to those whose hope was wearing thin.
I’ve been able to turn what felt like a mess into my message and my pain into my purpose. I’ve learned to love this body that I once hated. I’ve discovered so much beauty in the world around me and I’ve built a life that I truly love. I have come so far and I’m excited to see what the future holds. I’m not behind in life, I’m right where I need to be. And so are you.
My sincere hope, if you’re reading this, is that you can also look back and see how far you’ve come. Look at where you were last year, remember the person you were five years ago. How have you grown? What have you learned? You really do have so much to be proud of—just look how far you’ve come.
welcome back to blogging! I can totally understand the feeling of not being where you want to be compared to other people. But I truly think everyone’s timelines are different & there is no right direction. Glad you found a mentorship group for chronic illness to help you. Look forward to reading more posts from you.