When I think back about the girl I was in high school, she looks a lot different than the woman I am today. And I’m not talking in terms of appearance. That girl back then was perfect. Or at least she always tried to be.
She never got anything less than straight As, worked extra hard on every school project, made sure her appearance was always well-put-together, and was super nice to absolutely everyone. That girl was a perfectionist in every aspect of her life. And while she never would’ve let anyone know it, that girl was also far from happy.
Over the years, life has forced me to let go of my perfectionism, and that, I actually consider to be a blessing. Why? Because perfectionism can be a thief of joy, leaving the perfectionist feeling like she and others are never quite good enough and always striving to do and be more.
While a perfectionist may look like they have it all together on the outside, the need to control every little thing can cause a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety. We live in an imperfect world and striving to be perfect all the time can be plain exhausting.
What perfectionism really requires of us is that we read the rules of wherever we happen to be and put on the masks necessary to best follow them. I don’t know about you, but I got tired of wearing masks a long time ago. Trying to always be perfect in every way, in every situation, can feel like you’re carrying a load of bricks on your back.
Perfectionism can be hard but it can also be a hiding place.
A hiding place from the really hard, yet equally amazing, work of becoming ourselves. Why is this work of becoming who we are meant to be and showing our true selves so hard? Because there are no sets of rules to read here, no masks to hide behind. We have to let go of all the expectations set by our friends and our families, our colleagues and acquaintances. We have to learn to put away the messages that our culture sends on how we are supposed to act.
For years I thought that something was wrong with me because I was an introvert and preferred the company of a select few friends and one-on-one conversations over a big party and being the center of attention.
In my twenties I told myself that I should be more outgoing, more eager to go to parties or hop from bar to bar with a big group; rather than what I really wanted to do, which was stay home with my dog, a cup of tea, and a good book. I couldn’t accept myself for who I really was, because somewhere along the line, I had been sent the message that this is who a young woman needs to be in order to be loved.
But one day, I decided to put down the masks and the heavy burden of striving to be what I thought the world required of me.
And I decided to start the difficult work of becoming myself. I started this work by first beginning to appreciate the gifts that God has given me. Gifts like being a good listener and the ability to really notice and appreciate the small things in life and the beauty in the world every day; my ability to write and put this beauty into words.
For years, I felt like I wanted to share my story with the world to help others who were hurting, but my perfectionistic nature (read: fear of failure and what everyone else might think) always stopped me. It was really scary to finally let the call in my heart speak louder than my fear and share my truth with the world.
But since I decided to listen to that call, I’ve received the most wonderful, heartfelt messages from people who have opened up and told me their own stories of pain and love, heartbreak and beauty. I’ve learned that when we open up and share our true stories, however messy and imperfect, we build a bridge that connects us to others, letting them know that it’s safe to share their deepest truths too. This is a beautiful thing.
The work of laying down the masks and becoming my truest self has been hard at times, but it has been the most rewarding work of my life.
So how does one know if they are in fact, a perfectionist?
Maybe you just have high standards and want to be the best version of yourself, which is perfectly healthy. But you might be a perfectionist if you worry often about failing or not being good enough. If you tend to see flaws in everything you do. If you avoid doing things out of fear of not doing them perfectly or being the best at them. Perfectionism is rooted in fear.
Does this sound like you? Are you tired of striving to do everything just right and feeling like you’re never quite good enough? Is the weight of feeling like you always have to be successful and in control of everything starting to feel like you’re carrying the world on your shoulders?
If it does, don’t worry, because there are ways that you can change your mindset to combat feelings of always having to be perfect. Here are some things that have helped this recovering perfectionist to lay down the masks and live a happier and more fulfilled life:
Observe how little anyone actually cares if you did something perfectly.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, “you wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do”. I try to remember this when I find myself worrying if I “acted right” or said the “right thing” in certain situations. People really aren’t judging and evaluating us as harshly as we judge ourselves, especially if we’re perfectionists. They’re too busy thinking about themselves and their own lives. It’s important to remember this.
Ask yourself how much time and energy you’re wasting on trying to be perfect.
Do you spend time reading and re-reading emails and texts before you send them? Are you constantly checking for errors and working extra hours because of this? Try to think about all the other things you could be spending time doing if doing things perfectly wasn’t your main goal.
I’ve learned to let go of the goal of perfection and have found more time for strengthening relationships in my life, prioritizing my self-care, indulging in hobbies, and just enjoying life more fully.
Realize the downsides of perfectionism.
Being a perfectionist can take the fun out of life. By constantly living in the future or ruminating on how you performed in the past, you can’t really be free to enjoy today. Others may also view your perfectionism as controlling and neurotic. Even more, studies have found that perfectionists are more prone to depression and anxiety disorders.
Stop people-pleasing.
For many perfectionists, the need for everyone to like and approve of them is really important. But this is a futile goal. You’re never going to please absolutely everyone. Try to remember that you’re not responsible for everyone’s happiness. And if you’re constantly molding yourself into what you think everyone else wants you to be, you’re going to miss the opportunity for real, authentic connection.
Face your fears.
Try doing some things that are uncomfortable for you as a perfectionist and keep doing them. For example, leave a sink full of dirty dishes overnight or let someone state the wrong facts about something without correcting them. The more you do things like this, the less anxiety-provoking they should become. And when you realize that nothing unbearable happens if you do these things, the less stringent you may become about always having to do them a certain way.
Having a chronic illness has forced me to let go of many of my perfectionistic ways. My body just won’t let me be the perfect version of myself that I envisioned for so many years. But I’ve learned to be okay with this. Like I’ve said before, I can continually see the blessings in this hand I’ve been dealt. I’m no longer the controlling, anxiety-ridden “perfect” girl that I was years ago. And I’m going to celebrate that. Imperfections can be beautiful and make life interesting and fun.
Think about the people that you look up to most in this world; do you admire them because they appear to be perfect, or do you look up to them because they’re real and genuine? My guess is the latter. “Perfect” people are boring. But people who are authentic and allow themselves to be vulnerable and real are the people that inspire me the most.
If you struggle with perfectionism, and long to become free from its grip, don’t lose heart. George Eliot said, “It’s never too late to be what you might have been”. It’s never too early either. Start today.
Take off that heavy load you’ve been carrying for so long and start the wonderful work of becoming the person you were meant to be, one imperfect step at a time.
Perfectionism hinders progress.
It can be tough to deal with but gradually we can accept the blessing of vulnerabilty and learn to embrace our weakness as potential strengths.
Thank you!!
You are absolutely right. I like the saying “progress, not perfection”!
Great tips! I am also a perfectionist and these are great tips that I will apply!
Thanks! Glad to be able to help!
Sometimes when you struggle with chronic illnesses or pain, looking to be perfect in just one thing can become a problem for anyone… wanting to control just one thing in our lives.. We just have to let go, thank you for your inspiring words!
You are so right, Holly. Thank you for reading!
Like they say, perfectionism is the thief of productivity. I like that you mentioned letting go of perfectionism and stopping being a people pleaser! Great tips!
Yes, perfectionism can often hinder productivity. And trying to stop being such a people pleaser has really helped me with my perfectionism. I will never please absolutely everyone, and that’s okay!
Samantha,
This is my favorite article you have written so far. You knocked it out of the park. I’ve been trying to convenience myself that a little perfectionism is ok. But you made me realize I’m simply a high achiever with high standards. I can let go of perfectionism and still do things I’m proud of. For instance, I edit my own written work time and time again. That’s ok if I’m aiming for it to be published. But if I’m writing a letter to my grandma, let the typos go. she’ll know what I meant. Every area of our lives doesn’t have to be spot-on. I’m learning and I’m sure I have a ways to go. thanks for sharing!!
Thank you so much, I’m so glad that you liked this piece!
This was such a beautiful and raw post – I love your writing style and how it pulls the reader in! I am a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser, this was beautiful to read.
Thank you so much. I’m so glad that you enjoyed it!
Such a good post full of food for thought, I’ll need to reshare everywhere 🙂 so true that perfectionism may be something we shield ourselves with too. And the amount of useless energy that we often spend on it.
Thank you so much!
Love this post! Your writing reminds me so much of my own! We try to be perfect, but we don’t really stop to ask ourselves why? And then it becomes too hard to stop because we’ve been doing it for so long. And it’s not until we realize that we can take the mask off, and not worry about our perfection, that we can truly start to live as our true selves.
Thank you! It is so hard to stop being a perfectionist when you’ve been one for so long. But taking off the masks and becoming my true self is the best thing I’ve ever done. Thanks for reading!
I relate to this post so much!! I’ll definitely use these tips! Thank you for sharing.
I’m so glad that the post resonated with you. I hope the tips help!
Beautifully written and very relatable
Thank you!
This is brilliant! I’m also in the process of writing about my experience with perfectionism. It’s not easy trying to keep it in check!
Thank you! Perfectionism is hard to keep in check but it’s so worth it to try.
“But you might be a perfectionist if you worry often about failing or not being good enough.” – I was discussing this with a friend a few days back and I was telling myself that I just need to do what needs to be done and enjoy the process rather than stressing over how perfect it is.
Yes, trying to enjoy the process is so important but can be hard to do when you’re a perfectionist!
Wonderful post. Full of truths and wisdom. I sure love this quote by George Eliot, “It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” I’ve gotten to the stage (after being forced to by my FMS diagnosis and having to retire earlier than planned) to recreate myself. At first, wow, I was so sad about it. I couldn’t envision anything besides the way I had been. However, now, I find it very exciting. I’m able to be open to new experiences and challenges-and not worried about mistakes or failures.
Thank you so much, Katie! I’m so glad that you’ve been able to embrace recreating yourself. Sounds like you’re on a wonderful journey!
Such a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing yourself this way and allowing God to work through you to share His grace and intentions for us. We were never meant to live bound lives! I am so blessed to have read your post! Thank you for the reminder!
Thank you so much for the kind words. I’m so glad that you found my blog and that my words were able to help you!
I needed to see this post. Sometimes, I feel I’m my worst enemy by wanting to do things perfectly all the time. Thanks for your tips!
You’re so welcome. I’m glad you found my blog!
I can relate to this so much! I’ve always been a perfectionist and even though I realize how much time I waste trying to do everything perfectly and how little it actually matters, I have a really hard time letting go. It’s can be so frustrating! Thank you for the tips and for being so candid! <3
It can be really hard to let go of our perfectionism, especially when we’ve been doing it for so long. I’m still a work in progress!
I never would have called myself a perfectionist, but I was always a people pleaser until a friend in college said to me that if one person doesn’t like you then you have 21,999 other students on this campus who might (there were 22,000 students at my university). This literally changed my whole perspective. I have been able to give myself a lot more grace for not always clicking with someone and trying to be perfect to get their approval. Great article and a great reminder!
Thanks, Gabby. That’s a great perspective. I used to be such a people-pleaser but feel so much lighter since I’ve let that go!
This was a good read! I could relate to the post totally as I’m a perfectionist. Perfectionism is really holding me back from achieving my goals and I should let it go.
Thank you! So glad you found it useful.
So true! I can relate so much!! I’m just now learning how to let go of my perfectionist mindset.
I’m definitely still a work in progress but so glad I’ve started to let go of so much of my perfectionism. Thanks for reading!
I’m a perfectionist. It makes life harder than it needs to be! Good read! I will apply these tips to my life!
It sure does. Glad you found this helpful!
I love this post, it makes me think a lot about myself and see the difference in myself from a school kid who kept getting erasers, pencils that had erasers on the top of them and whiteout away from me because I would erase holes in my paper or have so much whiteout the paper would crack in half when folded. To me over the last few years who doesn’t place that much pressure on myself anymore. Thanks for opening up and sharing about something that a lot of us perfectionists don’t like to talk about.
There is definately a lot to find out about this subject. I love all of the points you’ve made.
Thanks so much for sharing, Samantha! You have such a beautiful way with words that always makes me want to self reflect. Amazing post!
Thank you so much, Julianne. You’re so sweet. I’m glad you enjoyed this post!
I struggle with this so much! I’m getting better from a parenting/routine aspect but as a blogger it’s HARD