I’ve been struggling lately. It’s been almost a year since my major back surgery and I was so hopeful to be feeling much better by this point in my recovery. I pictured myself getting back into the gym, becoming stronger, and being relatively pain free by this time.
But that’s not quite how things have turned out. Around Thanksgiving, I had a flare up in my back and the increased pain has remained pretty constant since then. I went to see my back surgeon recently and he ordered a new MRI. The results showed excessive scar tissue compressing a nerve, which explains my pain. There is little that can be done, as another surgery would just create more scar tissue. To say I’m frustrated would be an understatement.
Unfortunately, setbacks like these are a common occurrence when a person suffers from a chronic illness like I do. It can be incredibly frustrating to feel like you’re constantly moving one step forward and two steps back.
But setbacks are a part of life, right? They’re something that we have to accept and learn how to deal with. So how do we cope when setbacks threaten to overwhelm us?
The interesting thing, I’ve come to realize, is that its not the setbacks that are the real problem. It’s how we deal with them. Charles R. Swindoll said “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” So how can we best react to the setbacks in our lives?
Give yourself permission to grieve.
This is an important first step in dealing with setbacks and disappointments in life. Allow yourself the time and space to feel the disappointment and process your emotions.
After I got the results of my new MRI, I felt incredibly discouraged. I let myself wrestle with the question of why things always seem to go wrong with my body.
Why do I always have to deal with so many complications?
Why couldn’t the surgery just be a success and take my pain away?
Why can’t anything just be easy in my life?
I vented my frustration to my husband and allowed myself to have a good cry that night.
It’s important to allow ourselves the time and space to deal with the emotions that come with setbacks in life. But after we do this, it’s also important to not stay in this place for too long. We must have the strength to move forward and take the next step.
Focus on what you can control.
Ask yourself what can and can’t be changed in your situation. It’s important to first learn to accept the things you cannot control. Then focus on the things you can control and take the steps to move forward.
I can’t change the fact that I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which predisposes my body to things like an unstable spine and cerebrospinal fluid leaks. This is something I’ve had to learn to accept.
But there are things that I can do to take care of my body and improve my quality of life. After learning that excess scar tissue from my surgeries was compressing my nerve, I researched treatments for scar tissue and followed up with my doctor. I learned that certain physical therapy techniques can help to reduce scar tissue so I found a therapist that specializes in this and made an appointment.
With so many aspects of my illness being beyond my control, taking these steps helps me to feel like I have at least some control over my situation.
One thing that comes to mind as I write this post is the Serenity Prayer. If you’re not familiar with it, it goes like this:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I think this prayer is perfect for dealing with setbacks. May we learn to accept what we cannot change, take the steps to change what we can, and have the wisdom to distinguish between the two.
It may even be helpful to make a list of things that you can and cannot change about your situation. Then take the list of things that you can change and begin focusing on what you need to do to move forward. Talk it over with a trusted friend or mentor. Revisit your goals and identify the steps needed to achieve them. Remain open to new possibilities that you may not have considered before. You have the power to move forward with grace and determination.
Identify the lesson you can learn from it.
Whenever we face a problem, there is always something that can be learned from it. Setbacks can actually be opportunities for growth.
“When things do not go your way, remember that every challenge — every adversity — contains within it the seeds of opportunity and growth.”
Roy T. Bennett
You can learn a lot about yourself through setbacks. And you can turn failure and disappointment into motivation to do better next time.
Remember that adversity builds resilience and character.
There is an interesting study that found that children who grow up affluent, with all their material needs met, sometimes lack drive and direction as adults. Children who are sheltered from having to face any adversity may lack the resilience and coping strategies needed to be successful later in life.
Setbacks can serve a purpose and sometimes even be seen as blessings in disguise.
I know that setbacks and failures are not easy to deal with. But if you can learn to see them as opportunities for learning and growth, you can change your perspective and ultimately grow as a person.
Perhaps there is some truth to the old saying, “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. May we always keep this in mind when facing setbacks in our lives.
I’m so sorry to hear about your setbacks, but it sounds like you’re handling it the best way you know how right now. I think you’re totally right — take the time you need to process the situation and figure out how you can move forward with adjusted expectations. Sending you strength!
Thank you so much!